A Rare Moment of Confession
Honestly? I am just so sick of myself right now. 51 years of having to live with my glaring character flaws and just plain inability to cope have left me really, really, sick of myself. And the annoying thing is that I've spent enough time and energy trying to change to know that there are parts of me that are just here for the duration. So I try to make the best of it, and get through life as gracefully as I can, but in the end, there it is.
Now this is nothing like being suicidal, and though I've been depressed in the past, I don't think I am now. Just deeply, enormously, disgusted with myself and my oversized overdramatizing of everything (including this) and the way it always comes down to just how truly obnoxious I can be without even trying. With the best of intentions! With love in my heart! And what have I done for anyone lately? Not too friggin' much. Besides aggravating the life out of people that is. And if you're one of those people (and you know who you are) all I can say is "Sorry! Really!"
Inadequate, but it's all I've got right now.
Now this is nothing like being suicidal, and though I've been depressed in the past, I don't think I am now. Just deeply, enormously, disgusted with myself and my oversized overdramatizing of everything (including this) and the way it always comes down to just how truly obnoxious I can be without even trying. With the best of intentions! With love in my heart! And what have I done for anyone lately? Not too friggin' much. Besides aggravating the life out of people that is. And if you're one of those people (and you know who you are) all I can say is "Sorry! Really!"
Inadequate, but it's all I've got right now.
posted by Sarah at 7:52 PM
4 Comments:
Obviously I don't know what happened to motivate this post... but you've done a lot for me lately. You're a great friend, and you are inspiring. I never thought I could read 4 books in 5 days... but I look to you and think, "Yeah..it's possible." That's just one example. I ask more of myself because of you. Thank you.
One of your observations brings to mind a favorite moment from a favorite (now defunct) television program. Commenting on her distaste for homosexuals one character says, "Everything is so dramatic and flamboyant. It makes me just want to set myself on fire."
I don't know, its funnier when she says it.
Really, I'd tell you that you don't deserve this self-flagellation but I have a feeling that in your case it comes with the territory. You don't get to be all the super-cool things that you are without paying some penalty, I guess.
One of the things that I *really* appreciate about you is your complete willingness to flay yourself open and scoop it all out and lay it on the table and examine every cell no matter how icky the process or the findings. It can be painful but self-righteous back-patting and lack of true self-awareness just isn't for everyone.
That said, I do hope you're also taking some time to read what Lesley says and take that for what its worth (a lot). I'll spare you the list of all of the things I like about you (its long)) and all of the reasons I'm so glad to have gotten to know you (there are many) because I don't know if you want that as much as you really just wanted to say your piece so you could move on to the next phase.
Thank you very much.
Well, I think you are a fine person since you didn't aggevate the life out of me. Occasionally I actually manage to keep my mouth shut and stay out of trouble (and being busy is no excuse). No one is perfect, myself included.
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