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Ziad is experimenting with joke writing. It's been a while since his debut effort, the fairly predictable

Q: What does a wizard say when he falls of a cliff?
A: Abracadabraaaaaaaaaaa!

He kept with it, though, and a recent electronics class inspired

Q: What is a volmeter for?
A: You use it when you're parking your volts.

I think that one's my personal favorite -- it still makes me laugh.

I guess he's been reading more Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys than I realized, because recently he tried out

Q: What do you call a short mystery?
A: A briefcase.

Leading up to a recent breakfast table conversation.

Ziad: What's black and red all over?

Maya: A zebra with a sunburn.

Ziad: No, that's black and WHITE and red all over.

Maya: Well, the sunburn covered the white part.

Ziad: Well, anyway, that's not right.

Maya: OK, what?

Ziad: A burned newspaper.

Maya: But you can't READ a burned newspaper.

Ziad: Well, they read it before it was burned.

Maya: Then what they read is not what you asked.

Score one for Maya, I think.

But Ziad never gives up. Just the other day, when his guitar teacher mentioned something about a general rule in music, Ziad asked him, "Well, then what's a soldier rule?" Sometimes it's hard to get anything done with a boy who views any spoken utterance as setup for a pun. I think he gets it from his grandfather.

Just when you thought it was safe

to open this page without fear of puns, I bring you (ta-da!) H-L

Wow, I really liked the Hs:

"I only have diamonds, clubs and spades," said Tom heartlessly.

"Dinna wave that axe aboot, Jimmy!" said Tom heedlessly.

"My extreme emotional instability arises from a psychoneurosis," hissed Eric.

"Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.

"That's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.

The Is perhaps a little less:

"May I become a chorister?" Tom inquired.

"I've borrowed my sister's camping gear," said Tom insistently.

Only two Js, but I like them both. Interesting that they take the related words judgment and judicial in such different directions.

"His Honor is crazy," Tom stated judgementally.

"I'd like chicken soup with matzo balls and gefilte fish," ordered Tom judiciously.

Forget about K. The Ls feature specialized vocabulary --

Math: "No ellipses, parabolas or hyperbolas," said Tom laconically. (Conic sections!! Get it?? And you thought math was boring.)

Music: "I never play any music by Hungarian composers," said Tom listlessly. (You've heard of Lizst, right? Just checking.)

And that's all for now.

Can't get enough

of those Tom Swifties. Here are some more; first from D-G

"I want this statue to look like the Venus de Milo," said Tom disarmingly.

"That certainly took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

"I'm on social security," said Tom dolefully.

"I've changed my name to Al," said Hal, exasperated.

"My wife is dead" said Prince Rainier gracelessly.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess," Tom began grimly.

"It's just gold leaf," said Tom guiltily.


And now a sub-genre: Tom Swifties about ants!

"Watch this insect sail through the air," said Tom flippantly.

"That young insect is female," said Tom gallantly.

"I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly.

"Those ants will never get in here," Tom said defiantly.

I love Tom Swifties

What are Tom Swifties? Egregious puns, that's what they are. Although you can read more on Wikipedia if you like, here's the relevant definition:

A Tom Swifty (or Tom Swiftie) is a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked by a pun to the manner in which it is attributed. Tom Swifties may be considered a type of Wellerism.

I will forever consider it the crowning glory of the internet that I can now google "Tom Swifties" and find more examples than you can shake a stick at. The following are from a massive collection, organized alphabetically. There are lots more, but these are my favorites from A-C.

"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"These are the propulsion systems used by NASA for the moonshots," said Tom apologetically.

"You have the right to remain silent," said Tom arrestingly.

"This is George Bernard Shaw's major work," Tom said barbarously.

"I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled.

"I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a blank stare.

"Yes, I have been reading Voltaire," Tom admitted candidly.

"I've been to a film festival in the South of France," said Tom cannily.

"The prisoner escaped down a rope," said Tom condescendingly.

"The situation is grave," Tom said cryptically.